Originally, this post was a bit of a downer. I wrote it a while ago and then couldn’t bring myself to post it. I think I’m in a slightly better place now.
I haven’t been around in a bit, I know, but something truly strange has happened to me. The end of the year was pretty bleak, and the beginning of this year has not been great for personal reasons. Honestly, when I think about explaining my absence…I find that I can’t do a very good job of it.
I guess I’ll start by saying that The Mark of Thorn: Book of Scars is now available in ebook form. It’s still not set up for print, but I’m trying to get that done even as I write this. I’ve not been motivated to do this or anything else lately. The book released in early November and I haven’t said a word about it.
I almost cancelled it.
There are several reasons for this. A few months ago, I mentioned that I took a new job, and I feel like this job is all I’ve been doing. I don’t think I’ve written a word since September. But it’s not because I don’t have time. It’s…strange. Even before that, I was feeling distant from my writer persona, and already wondered if launching a 5 book series was the right thing to do, even as I wondered if I would have the motivation to continue it. I still wonder if it was a mistake.
I’ve been absent from writing and publishing and social media. Oddly, I don’t even feel depressed about it. I’m not really sure what has happened to me.
I went through a bit of an evolution this past year. I knew I needed to make some changes in my life. The distant future seemed not so distant anymore. I left a job in May and took 3 months off, trying to focus on my writing before I realized I needed to go back to work. I got a new job and I like it pretty well. I haven’t even thought about writing since. My mind is consumed by other things: finance, retirement, career, family. I find that I rely on others for escapism storytelling instead of my own mind. I’d rather play a game – or even worse, watch someone else play a game that my brain isn’t actively involved in.
I’m afraid I’ve gone and pulled a Wendy. That’s right… I regret to say that I think I’ve grown up. All of a sudden I’m sensible, and the dream of making it as a writer feels more like a delusion of the past.
For a long time, I’ve tried to hold onto my imagination and the daydreamer part of me, knowing that if I ever let it go and became consumed with the real world, I would lose it completely. I’m not sure if that’s what’s happened, but I feel different now. I feel…more like a person I didn’t know I was. I think I’m happier…well, aside from recent events…but I’m not sure what I am. (?) I know I’ve grown as a person, especially as far as my social anxiety goes, and I don’t feel as anxious or depressed as I have in the past. I think this comes from actually being more involved in the world instead of being lost to a story and a dream all the time.
Recently, even the name Lani Lenore doesn’t feel right anymore. I’ve thought, even if I continue writing, that I might change my name. But that presents more problems. I want to be me. I want to know who I am instead of trying to be two people. And letting go of it completely doesn’t really bother me like it should.
I guess I’m just saying that I don’t know what’s going to happen – with me or my writing or my life. I’ve been absent and I wanted to let you know why. Maybe I needed to back up and rethink things.
I wish I could come back with something more positive and upbeat in order to say that I’m still here and working on something new, but that’s not the case right now. Maybe it will be again soon. For now, all I can say is that I don’t have a plan for a publishing schedule anymore, but I am going to try to get back into Mark of Thorn at least enough to edit Book of Beauty, and hopefully that will lead me to finish the next one.
I need to do something different, and I just know that things haven’t been working out for me.
I feel bad for letting people down, and maybe I really am just depressed right now because of other things, but what I’ve been feeling for the past five months has been more of the same.
I don’t want to discourage others from going for their dreams, but for now, my own feels far away. Perhaps I’ll find myself again soon.
I don’t know when Mark of Thorn: Book of Beauty will appear, but I’m certain that it will show itself eventually. I want to also get Book of Scars into print soonish, if nothing else. I have the full cover in the works and have finished the layout, so it’s just a matter of time.
Thank you again to all of you who continue to support me. I know it’s disappointing to hear some of this. Writing has been so important to me for a long time, but it’s so much work for such a small payoff, and right now it’s difficult for me to make sense of it.
I’ll be back when I have more (and hopefully better) news.